February 5, 2013
TL; DR #personal #crazy talk [tw: guns killing babies]

Went to Bean’s first grade classroom this morning for our monthly Parent Visit Day. 

I wouldn’t say I had a complete meltdown exactly. But I did duck out of the classroom because all the moving little blurs of bodies and chirping and singing and lowing of voices was A LOT and I suddenly realized i was going to have torrential headache in about five minutes if I didn’t drink as much water as possible.

So I found the water fountain; drank and drank and drank. Considered that I’d taken a pill - one of those pills that’s supposed to dampen anxiety - and it hadn’t exactly worked. [ETA: I qualify that because I managed not to cry at all while inside the school, but only barely.]

Sat in a loveseat in the library outside Bean’s classroom until his Grandma was finished. (I shudder to think what his life would be without her.) 

So I sat there and did my breathing exercises until Mom was ready to go. I didn’t burst into tears until the parking lot, when I was sitting in the car making a same day appointment with my doctor, who I only just saw a couple of weeks ago. 

This is partly my being overwhelmed by the energy in a classroom full of six and seven year olds. But I’d be an oblivious tool if I didn’t acknowledge Sandy Hook in this, and that I totally decompensate (sp?) every time I go to Bean’s school. 

I’ve got some time before the doctor’s appointment so I think I’m nap about it. My dreams are often full of new ideas.

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