June 29, 2013

I’ve mended some fences since I got really sick. Got in touch with people I hadn’t spoken to in years. Let go of pettiness and tried to make sure no one would ever have to wonder if I’d really cared. If I still remembered the time with the thing in the place. 

I’ve also had conversations - mostly with my mother, some with close friends - in which we acknowledged the reality of what my life had become. Bittersweet. 

There are long stretches of time when I am perfectly fine, totally healthy. I even have good cholesterol. I eat and sleep well, I function professionally, I am a patient mother. 

But since November or so, I’ve been struggling with almost everything. It’s a long story. And not one that I’m planning to tell right now, I just wanted to say this: 

When loud noises hurt, when bright light makes you explosively angry, when you are in physical therapy because you need to relearn to walk, you start losing the power to control your emotions. You’re so stuck on basic needs. Can I shower today? Will I have to take a nap if I floss my teeth? Do I have enough energy to keep two doctor’s appointments on the same day?  

Somewhere along the way, you forget to be patient, considerate, thoughtful. You fly into rages. You burst into tears. On a really bad day, this happens several times an hour. You oscillate, and the worst part is there’s no real “why”. You know this is hard on the people around you, but you can’t help it, and you miss the signs. You don’t notice that no one really wants to hear you talk. Or you are aware of their distance, but you figure they know how hard you’re trying, and that this too shall pass. 

It doesn’t work that way. Not forever. 

Some people will never believe you could have gotten healthy if you’d really wanted to. Gotten healthier faster. Gotten healthier without complaining so much. As if you were malingering. Exaggerating. 

When I came back to Tumblr I promised myself it wouldn’t be to vent, endlessly, about the mess that is my life. But, here we are. 

I promise there will be sunnier moments to report soon. As a wise man said to me today: 

I know how you’re feeling right now, and nothing will soothe it for a while. Just do the best you can to get through each day, and some clarity and resolution will eventually come. You’ve been through waaaay worse in your life, and you are remarkably strong and resilient.

I have, and I am. I’m going to be fine. (I’m going to be fine.) If I go a little quiet, it’s because I’m regrouping, not because I’m going to disappear again. Pinky swear.