|Him:||Did you hear we're now living in the post-antibiotic era?|
|Him:||When I got sick in China? I would have died without antibiotics.|
|Me:||I could have died in childbirth.|
|Me:||Ear infections and strep throats will be fatal, especially in young children. Syphilis and bacterial meningitis? Dead. And I have no idea what will happen when Lyme disease is untreatable.|
|Him:||This is the worst conversation ever.|
|Me:||You asked, yo.|
|Him:||Let's talk about Christmas instead.|
|Me:||Agreed. Wanna see the awesome cookbook I got for Mom? Mollie Katzen wrote a new one. I got the hardcover and it's gorgeous.|
|Him:||Yes. Show me that, please.|
1. Starting in February I’m taking a class in which I will learn to make jewelry using dichroic glass. I’ve been making beads with polymer clay, which has been great fun, but I think I’m ready to move on.
2. Polymer clay is a gateway drug. I am ready to move on and learn new skills, but I’m not going to stop using it. Right now I’m making mosaic tiles for flowerpots. Pretty much everyone I’m related to has a house full of plants. (We have a yucca plant in our kitchen. I thought it would never survive the Western Massachusetts winter, but we’ve had it for almost two years now.)
3. What I really want to do is blow glass. Make lighting fixtures and jewelry and vases and wine glasses.
4. Today is a snow day. We found this out when a neighbor walking her dog saw Bean waiting for the bus and told us school is cancelled.
5. My therapist doesn’t work on days school is closed, so she cancelled our appointment this morning. This isn’t a problem, exactly, but she’s been giving me art therapy assignments and I really wanted to show her the beads I made that look like cookies covered in blue and white fondant.
6. One of my uncles still uses the Christmas tree ornaments my brother and I made for him 30 years ago. (They are angel-shaped pillows that my mom made and we decorated with paint pens.) So last night Bean and I made a little star-shaped birdhouse and then painted it in green and red and gold. He did most of it but I cleaned up the edges and filled in the missed corners. So it was a joint project but Bean was totally art director.
7. Bean outgrew his snow boots and so my mom took him out - IN THE STORM - to get him the appropriate footwear for playing the in snow. They have been gone for more than two hours and I am starting to get annoyed. She probably just didn’t see my call or text. It’s somehow beyond her to remember that I need to know what they’re doing, especially in weather like this.
8. My father asked me what to get for Bean for Christmas. I said a real camera. He asked what kind. I sent him a link. So Bean is going to have a camera that’s way nicer than mine, and this is exactly as it should be.
9. I did almost all of my Christmas shopping on Etsy, buying handmade and vintage items from PEOPLE I KNOW. I feel all sorts of warm and fuzzy about this. (It offsets my feelings about shopping at Target. I wouldn’t have, but LEGOS.)
10. I’ve volunteered to bring an art project to my cousin’s house on Christmas. I will wrangle the children using only finger puppet kits.
11. That’s what I’m doing today. Making finger puppet kits for ten children.
12. I’ve also got to convince Bean that we really do not need to shovel the backyard.
I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan of Jim Carrey or Bruce Almighty. But Bean’s dad loves that movie, and so over the years we lived together I am sure I saw it at least 200 times.
There are a few moments that are comic gold. My favorite, which has been bouncing around in my head all day, is when Jim Carrey first meets Morgan Freeman’s God, who tells him:
"Smite me o mighty smiter?" Now, I’m not much for blaspheming, but that one made me laugh.
You know what makes *me* laugh? The word blaspheming.
I’m not sure why I was reminded of this, but it’s probably the Christmas cards I’m writing today. They feature a goose tangled up in tree lights and I keep giggling and then feeling naughty. Then I remember it’s not a real goose and so probably doesn’t have feelings.
|Me:||I specifically requested no remote control vehicles.|
|Uncle:||I don't have to listen to you. Anyway, who got you your first Nintendo? Against your mother's wishes?|
|Me:||Yes, and I am forever grateful for your contribution to the rewiring of my brain. However. The Nintendo didn't FLY.|
|Uncle:||Would this be a good time to tell the story about the time I took you to the fair and you peed on my shoulders? Because you know, I didn't tell that story at your wedding.|
|Me:||I NEVER HAD A WEDDING.|
|Uncle:||Would you like a beer, Maria?|
|Me:||I thought you'd never ask.|
December 1979. And the best giant Christmas coloring book of all time.
(I’ll stop now.)